New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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