He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
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Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
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Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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