Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
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I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
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Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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