I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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