nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
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Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
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I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
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