He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
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He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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