Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
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I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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