I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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