My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
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Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
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Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
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