I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
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Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
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When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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