well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
im six kinds of drunk right now
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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