This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
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I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
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I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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