you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
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I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
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mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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