false alarm. still invincible.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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