The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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