I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
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strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
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The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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