Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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