I wish I could teleport
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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