So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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