I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
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Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
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This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You are the jesus of drinking
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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