I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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