somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
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...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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