headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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