i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
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Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
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And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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