Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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