Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
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I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
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Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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