FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
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i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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