She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
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you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
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He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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