some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
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My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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