I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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