I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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