Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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