i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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