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She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
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