He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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