my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
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Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
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There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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