"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize