If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
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halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
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I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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