My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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