I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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