dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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