Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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