I think my vagina is haunted
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
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She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
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I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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