I'm so fucking centered right now
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
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theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
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As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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