He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
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So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
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I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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