We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
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He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
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Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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