It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
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he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
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can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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