I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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