life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
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