Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
sarcasm needs its own font
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize