apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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